🌬️Listening for God's Whispers 🌬️
Desire: My Word of the Year
I’m in Lotus Pose, gazing mindlessly around the studio when my yoga teacher begins the Winter Solstice ceremony, “Set an intention for your next six months.” With a voice like a tranquilizer dart, she encourages us to be specific. “What exactly do you want your life to look like?”
I close my eyes and take a slow, deep breath, silently counting to six; hold it, then slowly exhale to another count of six. This breathing technique is one I learned at my retreat in November and it’s become the best way I know to settle my racing brain. When I let go of all the air in my lungs, I repeat the sequence. At the top of the inhale, warm tears fill the corners of my eyes.
I have no idea what I truly want out of the next six months.
Not wanting any emotion to show in a class full of strangers, I pick up the pen and paper lying next to my mat and begin to make a list. When my mind feels overwhelmed, writing words on the page often helps me flush things out. Sure enough, once my pen hits the page, thoughts freely flow.
Start writing the story of our move. In chapter form.
Make more money than I spend on writing.
After a few minutes of silence, she invites us to share our intentions out loud. I read the one at the top. Nodding my head as other people share what they’re hoping for, I wonder if I will actually achieve this intention that I’ve set. Or will I somehow be derailed? Inviting us into a fetal position, third eye chakra on the floor, the teacher encourages us to choose a word for the night’s hour-long yin practice. “Maybe it’s a word that sums up the intentions on your page.”
I don’t hear anything she says after that.
The word SELF flashes through my mind like a neon sign on the wall of an old dive bar. I take a deep breath to squelch the panic rising in my throat. I don’t really know what I want out of the next six months, I think. I really just want to know my Self.
A few days later I’m at the library for my weekly “Write Night” when I pull out my word of the year workbook. I think I’m pretty set on the word “Self” but I want to be true to the process. Maybe there’s a better word to describe this fire beginning to catch blaze inside my heart. I don’t want to be seen as selfish, but at the same time, I’m wondering if I really know who I am inside. My identity over the last decade has been so wrapped up in parenting and homeschooling. It’s scary to imagine a world where I can be anything I want.
I brainstorm a list of words–Self, Surrender, Trust, Desire, Nurture—and turn to the dictionary for help in deciding which word really captures what it is I feel inside. This is a helpful exercise. Certain words stand out to me more than others and it turns out what I’m longing to know is not my self, but my desires.
I don’t know why, but I’ve always thought of desire as something bad. I’m sure there’s a lot a therapist could unpack about why the word has such a negative connotation in my mind. It probably has something to do with the conservative youth group I occasionally participated in as a teen. The purity culture I grew up in that made me think our desires were nothing but sin. The youth pastor’s promise that if I truly relied on God, I could push my desires away and remain pure; a vessel of God’s holiness.
Writing the definition in my journal, I think about a recent conversation with a Jesuit priest. He suggested that rather than despising our desires like I had always assumed, maybe God places our desires in our heart. Could it be that my desires are a hint at how God wants to be at work in my life?
This year, I’ve chosen the word DESIRE as my word of the year. I will reclaim the word as a positive one in my life. I want to know what I desire. Instead of squashing my desires for the sake of something else, I will be aware of them. I will acknowledge them and embrace them as God’s whispers in my heart. I will nurture them and make space for them to grow.
Did you choose a word to guide you through the year? If so, I’d love for you to share it in the comments or in an email.
I made this Giant Cinnamon Roll on a whim last weekend and it was the very best thing about breakfast this month. It’s not too sweet and pairs well with a good scrambled egg for protein.
These Roasted Tomatoes with White Beans make an excellent fast dinner, and the leftovers are fantastic for breakfast. I could probably eat them for every single meal and not get tired of them.
I shared my Refrigerator Soup story earlier this month and have made it twice since, with whatever I could find in my fridge. It is by far my favorite easy Winter meal.
I have not made this Baked Brie with Mushrooms yet, but I’m dying to try it. I may have to bring it to Book Club at the end of the month. If you make it, will you let me know how it is?
I declared 2023 to be the year of reading all the really long books on my list, so I'm currently very slowly reading Ron Chernow's Washington: A Life. It may take me months to get through it, but I’m really enjoying it.
I'm also speed reading everything I can by Fiona Davis in prep for an upcoming NYC trip. I just finished The Lions of Fifth Avenue (which I highly recommend for its love of the NY Public Library, old books and words) and am now reading The Masterpiece, since we’ll be training in to Grand Central Terminal.
Finally, my beloved book club is tackling Romeo & Juliet this month and we’re inviting our kids to read it too.
Five songs I’m listening to on repeat. This month’s short playlist is all about claiming your desires, listening to your intuition, and following your gut. Enjoy!
I really loved this essay about what boredom can offer. I often tell my children that being bored is a gift that means we have leisure time to be creative, but I haven’t given thought to the idea that we can learn other things from boredom too—like perseverance and maybe even intuition.
This essay in the most recent issue of Literary Mama is a beautiful and heart-wrenching story of one woman’s unintended pregnancy and the way it has stayed with her all of her life.
Did you know the New York Public Library used to have a private apartment?! Or that Grand Central Terminal used to have an art school?!
It has been so fun to blog regularly again. If you haven’t kept up with what’s happening over there, here’s a quick list of things published since last month’s newsletter.
If you like e-mail, you can sign up here to receive posts in your inbox the day after they go live.
May your days be filled with moments of wonder and beauty; may you hear the gentle whisper of God in your heart; and may you boldly make space for the things your heart desires.
Until next month,
Love this, crystal. I actually wrote a similar type of essay about my word of the year...which was also chosen during a yoga class!! I’ll let you know when I post it.
My word of the year is wabi-sabi, which is a Japanese word.
By the way this is Allison from the Tell It Slant group :)
Word of the year: release.